Those early years I mentioned hold tremendous significance—the very term "formative" underscores their role in shaping who we become. They define our identity, influencing how we view ourselves, others, and the world, and determining our sense of place within it.
It's normal to have an internal narrative, but we must remain aware that negative self-talk can be a part of it. When we are relatively stress-free, our thoughts typically come in a ratio of two positive to one negative. That means for every negative thought, there are two positive ones—a balance considered healthy. Yet, if we acknowledge that our thoughts drive our feelings and actions, it's clear that even in a good mental state, every two positive thoughts are accompanied by one negative thought. While this might seem like a fair trade-off—since constant positivity isn’t realistic—I, for one, would prefer a world dominated by positivity, perhaps a ratio of 20 positive thoughts to one negative thought. After all, these thought processes are internal, giving both you and me control, unlike many external factors.
When we feel distressed or down, this balance can shift dramatically, sometimes resulting in one positive thought for every two negative ones, or even worse. Even if we start off with a balanced 2:1 ratio, over time we may begin to listen to and internalize our negative thoughts. Even if these thoughts are irrational, with enough attention they can gain credibility.
The problem with negative thoughts is their inherent irrationality; if we dwell on them, they can be quite harmful. If, throughout our formative years and beyond, we are exposed to constant internal and external negativity, we might start believing those adverse views about ourselves. This can lead to the development of a negative story about who we are and how we relate to the world—a narrative sometimes referred to in teachings as the Pain Body or the Story of Me.
Our negative self-talk, which evolves from influences like family, friends, and media from childhood onward, often imposes the idea that we should be smarter, more attractive, or live in a specific way. We tell ourselves that we "should" resemble others or that the criticisms levied at us are true. Once we adopt this negative narrative, we use it to define our identity, rationalizing thoughts such as:
• Bad things always happen to me.
• I never have any luck.
• I am too fat.
• I’m too old.
• I don’t look as good as that person in the magazine.
• I am not smart.
• I’m stupid.
• I’m useless.
• I’m a bad person.
• I can never seem to do anything right.
• Why am I always ill?
• I have no confidence.
• I suffer from insomnia.
• I never sleep.
• I won’t be able to sleep tonight—what’s the point in even trying?
…and so on.
It’s clear that these kinds of thoughts are neither healthy nor helpful. If we begin to obsess over or believe these negative notions, they will serve no good. When such a negative narrative goes unnoticed, even operating on a subconscious level, it is something that even the most pessimistic individual would want to address.
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