Musing

I won’t let them win. They keep trying to get in. to get through the door.  But I aint taking this shit anymore. Kiss the frog.  That is the price I pay. Get these words out. Get them out the way. So that I can move on. I am what I am, so what the hell. Why do I waste the time I have feeling shit for shit i can’t handle. I can’t handle everything, but sometimes it’s not even anything. If only it was that easy. If only I wasn’t that simple. If only I could get out of the way of whatever is held back. If only fairy tales weren’t real. you can read my soul in these characters. If you look deep. But you won’t decipher it. you won’t pull together the pieces to find a whole me. I have been looking for longer than I remember and it’s confusingly distracting in there. Sometimes purposefully so. Sometimes not.

Lost in the story. But easily led off track into lost in the fog. If I am going to fuck it up it had better be for good reason. I am sick of wasting this spot I am taking up. I want to enjoy it. I want it to be like it is meant to be. The way it was sold to me. The way they said it was going to be. The way they got me in line. I am not alone. You know that. But we can’t be in this alone. In fact, I know we’re not. But damn it if it doesn’t feel that way when your trapped inside here.  Behind these eyes. you know what I am feeling. It is easy to let the letters dance around the screen and hope they are filled with meaning. It is another thing to know it, and to know that there is my meaning wrapped up inside of it and yet not truly believe it without questioning my legitimacy, my right. I am well-loved and feel utterly alone. I am in a good place and yet not feeling safe. On edge for no reason.

I commit myself to music. To dance. To words that articulate emotion. To the life that pops out the screen. Until I see my dreams splashed across your walls. My work is not yet here done. And so, from that, I take some solace. But can I find grace and can I find a way back to future. I would take the pill if I could have one. But I never do. not when the need is there. If I fall in now is that plagiarism. All too poetic is the thief. And so, I wink in your direction. Let’s not misplace our loyalty. A statement that is designed only to own you within its web. And so, paralyze you in your tracks. And please don’t let me do that. But please don’t look for motivation from this here side of the screen. That is not where these fingers are going. Reality is never that simple. It’s the complexity that makes it so worthwhile, and to reduce it to a redundant thought is an insult to our own very meaning. Dance around it and stay at a safe distance, they’ll never catch all of us. or so I say.

If I throw enough if it some will stick, it always does. But I was always good at deflection. So, when it comes my way, you better watch out. You don’t want to get it in your eye. Too many accidents have been happening around here. That’s how we ended up with what we ended up with. But still he wanted to give that dirty fuck a knighthood. I can’t say it weaves together, this narrative. But it does inside my head, inside that little cranium it all slips in perfectly like buttered-up torsos. I know I will post this before closing. Before checking for mistakes. And then I will find them, in the coming days and weeks ahead. The act of doing so is somehow therapeutic and part of the process. And if you happen to come upon this too early and experience a developing thought don’t blame me, we don’t put warning signs where you can see them.  

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words by me, artwork directed by me created by @Wonder.Ai